Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Mexico Agrees To Pay For Border Wall In Exchange For Deportation Of All Current And Future Spring Breakers, Bachelor Partiers, And BFF Reunioneers

President Enrique Peña Nieto denounces tactless Americans
MEXICO CITY--Citing decades-long resentment by bartenders, janitors, baggage handlers, and bystanders, Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto announced today, in a shocking turnaround, that his country would be glad to finance the border wall proposed by American presidential candidate Donald Trump so long as it is deployed not just to keep alleged "rapists" and "murderers" out of the United States, but also to prevent binge drinkers, novelty sombrero wearers, and embarrassingly bad dancers from overrunning Mexico.

"The Mexican people can simply no longer tolerate our fair-skinned neighbors' inability to dress appropriately, eat reasonably, or drink discreetly," Peña Nieto said.  "Tequila is a beverage, people, not a body wash."

An innocent stand of bougainvillea
José Padilla Reinas, waiter at the Happy Gringo resort in Cancún, agreed: "I'm sure the Americans are nice people at home, but when they come here, they revert to some kind of animal state.  How many ways can I politely tell a guest that we serve margaritas with straws and guacamole with chips, not the other way around?  And if you want to sneak off and have sex with your best friend's husband, couldn't you at least do it in your room, instead of in the bougainvillea that Juan and Rafael just pruned?"

"If I have to listen to one more mariachi version of 'Happy Birthday,' I may become homicidal," reported Mario Guzman Paz, maître-d' at Palmas Royales restaurant.  "Nobody here likes that shit.  Do the Americans think we haven't produced any other music in the last century?  Couldn't they at least request Maná for a change?"
One of too many mariachi bands

"I don't know which is worse," said Teresa Villa Castillo, customer service manager at El Paraíso Beach Hotel, "the Hawaiian shirts and clashing shorts, or the rubber bands and handkerchiefs they call bathing suits.  That's more butt cheeks and chest hair than anyone needs to see.  Just because we don't speak English doesn't mean we're blind, for chrissakes!"

"If this is how people dance in the United States," mused Julia Ramos Avila, hostess at El Mar Azul Holiday Suites, "I can see why my brother in Chicago is so popular.  Jumping up and down in a circle of women while shaking your heads so violently that one of them gets a concussion is not dancing.  Neither is dry-humping your partner, or passing out on his shoulder.  Don't even get me started on that ridiculous YMCA song.  What is this, a spelling bee?  And for god's sake leave your drinks on the table--if you're that desperate to stay inebriated, I'll get Consuelo over at the infirmary to set you up with an IV."

"Sure, I liked all the attention at first," admitted Pedro Guiterrez Sánchez, bellhop at Laguna Magica Cabanas, "but how many old, ugly, foul-smelling women do I have to flirt with and flatter?  We have women in Mexico too, you know, and they know how to keep their hands to themselves.  It's not like I've never seen a blonde before."

Ernesto Guevara Pintos awaits better-behaved customers
"Driving is always dangerous," grumbled Ernesto Guevara Pintos, taxi driver, "but it'd be a lot easier if the tourists didn't constantly stumble drunkenly across the road, or pass out in a ditch alongside the highway.  And tipping me an extra dollar after you barf in the back seat doesn't really cut it.  I'm a driver, not a circus wrangler."  

At press time President Obama was reportedly discussing with his diplomatic team whether or not this agreement would allow for continued trade in vital products such as candy skeletons, bark paintings, "original" Coke, and hot sauce.