Friday, December 2, 2016

ISIS claims responsibility for student's A- on English paper

OAKWOOD PREPARATORY SCHOOL--Junior Bret Pendleton expressed frustration at the grade he received on a recent paper on Song of Solomon from his English teacher, Mr. Stuart Scribner.

"I can't believe this," the young scholar moaned.  "My dream of going to Stanford is literally destroyed just because stupid Mr. Scribner doesn't like my writing.  Apart from poor diction, a non-controversial thesis, insufficient quotes, a lack of development, a repetitive conclusion, and no real original thinking, there's like nothing even wrong with it.  My mom loved it."

Cruel comments by Mr. Scribner--or ISIS?
Headmaster Cynthia Erdoes had already initiated an audit of Pendleton's grade--standard practice whenever students exhibit troublingly erratic behavior, as Pendleton had by forgetting to request soy milk in his most recent iced latte purchase at the school cafe--when the news broke that the international terrorist organization known as the Islamic State had claimed responsibility for the grade.

"I guess Mr. Scribner's off the hook now," Erdoes commented.  "This grade is no longer a matter of rigorous pedagogy; it's an act of terror."

Pendleton's parents, however, continued to express concern.  "Even if this unfair and demeaning grade is the result of terrorism, the school should have a policy in place to anticipate such attacks.  As parents, frankly, we don't feel safe under the leadership of Ms. Erdoes.  Our children deserve real security from terrorist grade deflation, not just window-dressing.  Next thing you know, a bunch of rogue Russians will be hacking into the lunch menu.  If you can't trust the gluten-free designations, what can you trust?  Do you think we send our son to an elite school for nurturing teachers and a challenging curriculum?  We pay good money for an educational experience free of Islamic extremism, and that's what we expect."

Other parents expressed similar misgivings.  "I'm tired of these mealy-mouthed school administrators beating around the bush," Doris Matthews complained.  "How many instances of grade deflation do we have to suffer through before the authorities have the courage to call it what it is: radical Islam--that's the real culprit here."

Messy buses: the latest ISIS ploy?
Lilian Jones, bus driver, urged the community not to fall into the trap of thinking the terrorists would stop at grade deflation.  "All kinds of garbage gets left on my bus at the end of each and every day.  Some of the other drivers blame the kids, and some say why don't you just use your broom, Lilian, but I have a feeling some radical Muslims are involved.  It's just a matter of time before ISIS admits they're behind this too."

Dean of Students Hattie Green also warned of unconventional attacks: "Every morning our beautiful school lobby becomes inundated with backpacks dropped every which way.  I'm tired of giving out detentions to innocent students when we all know the real villain is ISIS.  Why they haven't claimed responsibility yet is beyond me.  Sure, we could build lockers, but that would be letting the terrorists win."

Backpacks strewn carelessly by ISIS
In light of apparently increased claims of responsibility by ISIS for a variety of attacks, Pendleton's plight has gained national attention.

President-elect Trump tweeted: "Tremendous effort by a proud American kid ruined by Islamic extremists.  Paper never should have been assigned!"

NRA executive vice president Wayne LaPierre issued a written statement: "The only way to stop a bad grade is with a good grade with a gun."

Interrupted by reporters during a speech about the importance of giving back to the community during the holidays to ask about the Pendleton situation, President Obama said: "Are you f***ing kidding me?  For eight years I've promoted civil discourse about real, pressing issues, and all you want to talk about is grade inflation?!  Screw it.  Y'all are on your own now."


Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Mexico Agrees To Pay For Border Wall In Exchange For Deportation Of All Current And Future Spring Breakers, Bachelor Partiers, And BFF Reunioneers

President Enrique Peña Nieto denounces tactless Americans
MEXICO CITY--Citing decades-long resentment by bartenders, janitors, baggage handlers, and bystanders, Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto announced today, in a shocking turnaround, that his country would be glad to finance the border wall proposed by American presidential candidate Donald Trump so long as it is deployed not just to keep alleged "rapists" and "murderers" out of the United States, but also to prevent binge drinkers, novelty sombrero wearers, and embarrassingly bad dancers from overrunning Mexico.

"The Mexican people can simply no longer tolerate our fair-skinned neighbors' inability to dress appropriately, eat reasonably, or drink discreetly," Peña Nieto said.  "Tequila is a beverage, people, not a body wash."

An innocent stand of bougainvillea
José Padilla Reinas, waiter at the Happy Gringo resort in Cancún, agreed: "I'm sure the Americans are nice people at home, but when they come here, they revert to some kind of animal state.  How many ways can I politely tell a guest that we serve margaritas with straws and guacamole with chips, not the other way around?  And if you want to sneak off and have sex with your best friend's husband, couldn't you at least do it in your room, instead of in the bougainvillea that Juan and Rafael just pruned?"

"If I have to listen to one more mariachi version of 'Happy Birthday,' I may become homicidal," reported Mario Guzman Paz, maître-d' at Palmas Royales restaurant.  "Nobody here likes that shit.  Do the Americans think we haven't produced any other music in the last century?  Couldn't they at least request Maná for a change?"
One of too many mariachi bands

"I don't know which is worse," said Teresa Villa Castillo, customer service manager at El Paraíso Beach Hotel, "the Hawaiian shirts and clashing shorts, or the rubber bands and handkerchiefs they call bathing suits.  That's more butt cheeks and chest hair than anyone needs to see.  Just because we don't speak English doesn't mean we're blind, for chrissakes!"

"If this is how people dance in the United States," mused Julia Ramos Avila, hostess at El Mar Azul Holiday Suites, "I can see why my brother in Chicago is so popular.  Jumping up and down in a circle of women while shaking your heads so violently that one of them gets a concussion is not dancing.  Neither is dry-humping your partner, or passing out on his shoulder.  Don't even get me started on that ridiculous YMCA song.  What is this, a spelling bee?  And for god's sake leave your drinks on the table--if you're that desperate to stay inebriated, I'll get Consuelo over at the infirmary to set you up with an IV."

"Sure, I liked all the attention at first," admitted Pedro Guiterrez Sánchez, bellhop at Laguna Magica Cabanas, "but how many old, ugly, foul-smelling women do I have to flirt with and flatter?  We have women in Mexico too, you know, and they know how to keep their hands to themselves.  It's not like I've never seen a blonde before."

Ernesto Guevara Pintos awaits better-behaved customers
"Driving is always dangerous," grumbled Ernesto Guevara Pintos, taxi driver, "but it'd be a lot easier if the tourists didn't constantly stumble drunkenly across the road, or pass out in a ditch alongside the highway.  And tipping me an extra dollar after you barf in the back seat doesn't really cut it.  I'm a driver, not a circus wrangler."  

At press time President Obama was reportedly discussing with his diplomatic team whether or not this agreement would allow for continued trade in vital products such as candy skeletons, bark paintings, "original" Coke, and hot sauce.