ISIS claims responsibility for student's A- on English paper

OAKWOOD PREPARATORY SCHOOL--Junior Bret Pendleton expressed frustration at the grade he received on a recent paper on Song of Solomon from his English teacher, Mr. Stuart Scribner.

"I can't believe this," the young scholar moaned.  "My dream of going to Stanford is literally destroyed just because stupid Mr. Scribner doesn't like my writing.  Apart from poor diction, a non-controversial thesis, insufficient quotes, a lack of development, a repetitive conclusion, and no real original thinking, there's like nothing even wrong with it.  My mom loved it."

Cruel comments by Mr. Scribner--or ISIS?

Headmaster Cynthia Erdoes had already initiated an audit of Pendleton's grade--standard practice whenever students exhibit troublingly erratic behavior, as Pendleton had by forgetting to request soy milk in his most recent iced latte purchase at the school cafe--when the news broke that the international terrorist organization known as the Islamic State had claimed responsibility for the grade.

"I guess Mr. Scribner's off the hook now," Erdoes commented.  "This grade is no longer a matter of rigorous pedagogy; it's an act of terror."

Pendleton's parents, however, continued to express concern.  "Even if this unfair and demeaning grade is the result of terrorism, the school should have a policy in place to anticipate such attacks.  As parents, frankly, we don't feel safe under the leadership of Ms. Erdoes.  Our children deserve real security from terrorist grade deflation, not just window-dressing.  Next thing you know, a bunch of rogue Russians will be hacking into the lunch menu.  If you can't trust the gluten-free designations, what can you trust?  Do you think we send our son to an elite school for nurturing teachers and a challenging curriculum?  We pay good money for an educational experience free of Islamic extremism, and that's what we expect."

Other parents expressed similar misgivings.  "I'm tired of these mealy-mouthed school administrators beating around the bush," Doris Matthews complained.  "How many instances of grade deflation do we have to suffer through before the authorities have the courage to call it what it is: radical Islam--that's the real culprit here."

Messy buses: the latest ISIS ploy?

Lilian Jones, bus driver, urged the community not to fall into the trap of thinking the terrorists would stop at grade deflation.  "All kinds of garbage gets left on my bus at the end of each and every day.  Some of the other drivers blame the kids, and some say why don't you just use your broom, Lilian, but I have a feeling some radical Muslims are involved.  It's just a matter of time before ISIS admits they're behind this too."

Dean of Students Hattie Green also warned of unconventional attacks: "Every morning our beautiful school lobby becomes inundated with backpacks dropped every which way.  I'm tired of giving out detentions to innocent students when we all know the real villain is ISIS.  Why they haven't claimed responsibility yet is beyond me.  Sure, we could build lockers, but that would be letting the terrorists win."

Backpacks strewn carelessly by ISIS

In light of apparently increased claims of responsibility by ISIS for a variety of attacks, Pendleton's plight has gained national attention.

President-elect Trump tweeted: "Tremendous effort by a proud American kid ruined by Islamic extremists.  Paper never should have been assigned!"

NRA executive vice president Wayne LaPierre issued a written statement: "The only way to stop a bad grade is with a good grade with a gun."

Interrupted by reporters during a speech about the importance of giving back to the community during the holidays to ask about the Pendleton situation, President Obama said: "Are you f***ing kidding me?  For eight years I've promoted civil discourse about real, pressing issues, and all you want to talk about is grade inflation?!  Screw it.  Y'all are on your own now."